Rolling Fog
by nendlesswaltz
Summary: Alex's week needs a little brightening. A/O
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, belong to NBC, Dick Wolf, etc. I'm not pretending to make money off this.**

The last few days had been unusually grueling for Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. Her desk was covered in pastel colored folders, arranged according to the blonde's unique method of organized chaos. Gaps in her bookshelves pointed to the stacks of law books taking up space on her coffee table and visitor's chair. Some trash had uncharacteristically accumulated near the wastebasket; including coffee cups and take-out boxes. A layer of dust had settled over her office, which was especially noticeable on her desk lamp and coffee table. The space had an ambience of being abandoned by a person that once spent a great deal of time doing things of great importance.

The workload had been the same—she had been juggling the normal amount of cases her detectives had brought her. But each day seemed to drag on longer and seemed duller, they blurred together. If it weren't for her cell phone, she wouldn't know what day of the week it was. She wasn't overwhelmed; intellectually she was up to the task. But the job, and her existence, seemed to have lost some of its luster. Each day became a chore, beginning only to be completed.

She sat at her desk absentmindedly sipping at a coffee while she stared at the file containing SVU's most recent case. Once she made it halfway down the page, she realized she had no idea what she had just read so she re-read it, only to recognize that she was not absorbing a single word. Out of habit, a slender hand reached up, and with her palm facing her she used her middle finger to push up her glasses so they sat high on the bridge of her nose. She squinted her eyes and furrowed her brow, focusing all attention on the words in front of her. She got through one sentence before her mind emptied and the exercise became useless. She pursed her lips as she closed her eyes and sighed. She was worthless right now.

Alex loathed it when her head felt so empty yet full at the same time—like a heavy fog rolled in and pushed out all other thoughts or images, unwilling to allow any relevant, or enjoyable, information in. As a woman in control of her life, she hated that she could never figure out how to blow away the mind-deadening fog. She was at its mercy, able only to pray that it wouldn't last long.

Normally the lawyer could analyze what put her in a mood, good or bad. She could deduce what she needed to do to prolong her elation or to lift her spirits. She could tell if she was cross because of a lack of sleep, a bothersome detail in a case, a loss in the courtroom, or an unfortunate encounter with an acquaintance. But she could not penetrate the thick fog of nothingness that settled over her mind and soul from time to time. It was as if it could access a part of her that had never seen the light of day, and so could not be analyzed by her conscious self, making her her own worst enemy.

She opened her eyes and looked blankly at a spot across the room, vaguely noticing the dust floating in air that was illuminated by morning sunshine through the slatted blinds. She focused on the small particles, enamored by their wistful movements. Lost in the moment, she blew out a breath in front of her, wanting to see if she could impact the way the dust floated in the light. Delighted with the result, she repeated this exercise several times, when she heard a knock on the door in the middle of a big breath.

"Hey, Alex. I just wanted to… Is everything alright?" Detective Benson had opened the door just as Alex finished blowing a breath to nowhere and Olivia thought she might have finally cracked.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Just some breathing exercises," Alex readily lied, hoping the detective didn't see her pale face turn a shade of pink due to embarrassment.

Olivia nodded and came into the office, shutting the door behind her. She walked over to the desk holding out a cup of coffee.

"I know we've been keeping you busy lately, so I figured the least I could do was keep you energized," she gave a lop-sided grin, "You take it black, right?"

"Yeah, just black. Plain and simple." She was surprised the detective knew how she took her coffee; she didn't think anyone noticed. She took the cup, holding it with both hands, hoping that it's warmth would spread throughout her body and lift the fog.

A moment of silence passed between the two as Alex stared at the coffee.

"Uh, is it okay if I sit down?" Olivia asked, using her head to motion toward the visitor's chair.

"Yeah, of course," Alex responded. Olivia gave the blonde a questioning look as she bent down to pick up a stack of books.

"So, where should I put these?" The detective let out a small chuckle, realizing how pathetic it was that the funniest thing she'd heard all day was the thought of sitting on a stack of books that were sitting on a chair.

"The floor is fine. I think all other open space is filled." Alex shrugged her shoulders matter-of-factly while bringing the cup of coffee to her mouth.

Another moment of silence passed as the two studied each other.

"So, I haven't seen you down in the squad room for a while. How is everything?" Olivia asked Alex, concern obvious in her face.

Alex had thought the conversation might go something like this. She imagined the detectives in the squad room brainstorming as to why she hadn't graced them with her Ice Princess presence in a few days and then electing one of them to find out why. Electing isn't the right word, more like drawing the short straw. Alex liked coming up with these scenarios: she didn't want to get her hopes up and think her work colleagues actually cared. Things get so much more complicated when people start caring, even if that was what she wanted.

"Oh you know, it's been busy. You guys are good at your jobs." The blonde attempted a grin that to Olivia looked more like a smile with an identity crisis. Alex sighed and looked back down at her coffee. The detective didn't get her gold shield for nothing, and she used her deductive powers on the lawyer.

"Alex, look at me," the detective requested softly. The blonde looked up, straight into soft brown eyes and felt those eyes warm her like her coffee couldn't.

"I can tell something is bothering you," Olivia sat on the edge of the chair and leaned in, "You're not yourself, and when I look into your eyes I don't see the usual spark that's there. What's going on?"

Alex glanced down quickly, and then back up to Olivia. She sighed and put her coffee down, bent over her desk and used one hand to hold her head up while she extended the other in front of her, playing with the edge of a yellow legal pad.

"Well, you know, things just get kind of bogged down," she glanced back up at Olivia hoping her vague answer would suffice. Alex didn't know why she acted like this. She would like nothing more to have a genuine caring relationship with the detective, but she always kept herself guarded. Her analytical mind guessed it was because she was scared she would drive the detective away if she ever revealed anything personal. Who wants to start a relationship by unloading personal problems?

"What kind of things?" Olivia parried.

"Well, I don't know, you know, just stuff."

"Try to explain."

Alex blew out a breath. She didn't want to believe Olivia cared because she knew it would hurt too much when she would inevitably realize down the road that the detective didn't actually care, that she was just doing her job. Part of her didn't want to respond, to play into Olivia's need to comfort people, but a bigger part of her couldn't resist anymore and wanted to be comforted by the compassionate detective. Alex wanted to stop keeping Olivia at arm's length; she wanted to go out on a limb. She decided to be honest.

"That's just it, I can't explain it. I just don't know. I don't know. Every now and then I just get…like this. And believe me, I have tried and tried to figure it out. And I just can't. And I hate it. I hate—"

"Alex," Olivia interrupted the blonde's rant, "Hey, look at me." The brunette reached across the desk and took Alex's hand in her own, holding it tight. The blonde was surprised and looked at their hands before looking into Olivia's eyes.

"It's okay to not always know exactly what's going on," Olivia spoke softly as she continued the eye contact, "We're only human, we don't have all the answers. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to find them all. Besides, you already have all the answers as far as I'm concerned, and if you want to go looking for more I'll be right there with you." She gave a small reassuring smile and kept her hand over the blonde's, rubbing her thumb over the back of Alex's hand.

Alex looked down trying to reconcile Olivia's words with what she believed, and felt the fog start to lift. She looked back up, straight into Olivia's eyes, straight into her soul.

The detective had never seen a look like that on the lawyer's face. Her eyes no longer looked dead, they had turned into pools of deep and infinite blue, like a door had been opened and the furthest reaches of the blonde's soul had been revealed and were now pleading with Olivia, pleading for understanding and acceptance, and for something else Olivia couldn't quite place her finger on. Alex held Olivia's gaze, her vulnerable cerulean eyes betraying the amount of trust and concern she had for the older woman.

They stared at each other for a few moments, until Alex lowered her head and looked at their hands. She moved her hand so it covered Olivia's and she gave it a squeeze, holding it in place.

"Thank you, Olivia. Sometimes I need a reminder that I am not the master of the universe." Alex smiled, and this time it showed in her expression. Olivia returned the smile and placed her other hand on top of Alex's.

"Not a problem, Alex," the detective's face shifted gears to reflect her concern, "I hate seeing you so down. You know you can talk to me, right? About anything?"

Alex nodded. She enjoyed being with Olivia and believing that she cared. She was willing to run with it.

Olivia gave Alex's hand a final squeeze and sat back in the chair, "You okay?" she gently asked the attorney. Alex rested her chin on her hands and glanced around the room, like she was seeing it for the first time, assessing its contents, before her eyes settled on the detective.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she said with a tinge of optimism. Olivia gave Alex a beaming smile that blew the rest of the fog away.

"Alright, I should get back to the squad," Olivia said as she stood to leave, "I didn't tell anyone where I was off to. I'm kind of surprised they haven't called." She looked down at Alex as she stuffed her hands into to jacket pockets. "It was good seeing you Alex, and talking."

"Same here, Olivia."

"Alright, I'll see you around then," Olivia headed for the exit and put her hand on the doorknob.

"Liv," Olivia spun around upon hearing Alex calling her name, "Do you think we can go out for some coffee sometime?" The question hung in the air for a moment.

"Of course we can, I'd be honored. Call me," the detective flashed a lop-sided grin and was out the door.

The room seemed brighter to Alex and her head was lighter. She didn't anticipate the fog rolling back in anytime soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, Dick Wolf and NBC do.**

**Note: I have to be honest, I don't really know where this story is going. It comes to me in vague visions and when I can clear it up enough I get it down. I have no idea how often it might be updated, so please, bear with me if you can. Thanks.**

Olivia stood behind the two-way watching Elliot smooth-talk a suspect. He clearly had the teenager under control and she was thinking about heading back to her desk when she felt a presence move into the room and sidle up next to her.

Alex folded her arms as she stared straight ahead through the glass, "How's he doing in there?" she asked.

The glass was still reflective enough to allow Olivia to study the ADA's features and body language without having to turn to look at her. The blonde's face seemed drawn but the eyes hiding behind dark frames still held their shimmer. Good. Her crossed arms and stiff posture suggested to the detective that Alex had been kept quite busy and was probably looking for answers to get her bosses off her back.

She refocused her eyes to see past the glass and into the interview room where it looked like nothing had changed, Elliot was still in complete control. She decided to indulge and focused again on the reflection of Alexandra Cabot, surprised but unfazed to see the lawyer's blue gaze meeting hers on the glass.

Olivia couldn't quite explain it; she had always felt a certain affinity for Alex. The detective had been inexplicably drawn to her, sensing that they could become significant in each other's lives, however, she kept these vague feelings to herself because of her uncertainty of what they meant or what she would even do about them. She couldn't deny she cared deeply for Alex—that was the only thing she was sure about.

They held each other's gaze for a moment, until Olivia looked back into the room and responded, "Elliot's got everything under control. We aren't really interested in this punk, just hoping to get a lead out of him."

The detective sighed and turned to face Alex, "I think I'm gonna go finish up some paperwork. El has this, I don't need to be here." She gently touched Alex's upper arm as she moved to exit the viewing area, walking out to the squad room without looking back.

Alex sighed as she craned her neck to watch the detective leave the room. She turned back toward the glass and lightly rubbed her slender fingers where Olivia's had brushed against her.

...

Elliot came out into the squad room and sighed as he sat down at his desk.

"Get anything?" Olivia queried as she looked up from the paperwork.

"Naw, the kid says he didn't see anything, but I still think he knows something. Thought I'd give him some alone time before I go back in," he replied as he thoughtfully rubbed the back of his head.

Olivia grinned, "If anybody can get suspects talkin', it's you, El." She lowered her head and went back to her paperwork as Elliot ground out a gruff thanks.

Her pocket vibrated and her hand automatically dug into her jacket to retrieve her phone. She flipped it open nonchalantly; unable to control the smile that broke across her face once she saw the text message: Alex wanted to know if she wanted to go to coffee later. The thought of spending more time with the blonde attorney left a flutter in her stomach and made her smile grow even wider. She quickly typed out a response and left the phone on her desk, anticipating a reply. The brunette twirled her pencil between the fingers of her right hand as she repeatedly did finger rolls on the desk with her left, trying to suppress her smile.

"Uh, Liv, you know how annoying that is, right?" Elliot looked up from his computer, glaring at Olivia. His voice startled her and she and stopped twirling and tapping.

"My bad, El," she heard her phone vibrate again and her smile reappeared. She tapped out another response as she attempted to hide her grin with her free hand. She set the phone down again, only to have it start buzzing immediately signaling the arrival of another text.

"Jesus Liv, got a hot date or something?" Elliot said in annoyed curiosity. He'd never seen her text this much on her phone, let alone the silly grin she couldn't wipe off her face. She flipped the phone open again, unsuccessfully trying to control her smile, which resulted in a crooked grin.

"Nah, just making plans to go over some testimony with Cabot."

"Right," Elliot said sarcastically as he exaggerated the length of the word. Olivia rolled her eyes at him as she sent away another text and placed the phone back in her pocket, trying to focus on the paperwork in front of her.

...

The corners of Alex's mouth turned up slightly as she waited in the coffee shop for Olivia. She had been trying to work up the courage to follow through on the invitation she gave the detective before she left her office a week or so ago. However, a sense of desperation began creeping up on her as she felt the fog beginning to return. In her logic driven mind, she sought out the solution before she descended into the same state the detective had found her in her office. Suppressing any fears she had, she extended the request and now found herself more excited about this coffee rendezvous than she expected to be. She couldn't help smiling at the thought of having Olivia's undivided attention.

Olivia entered the busy shop unnoticed and scanned the room, searching for a blonde head. After dismissing a few potential matches, she saw her ADA sitting at a small table in the corner reading some files and teasing her red lips with the end of one of the arms of her dark frames. Olivia stood for a moment, taking in Alex's crossed legs and high heels, the way her blonde hair fell around her face, and how her suit jacket covered her form. She swallowed and felt a knot begin to grow in her stomach, unexpectedly becoming nervous.

Alex looked up to see Olivia moving in her direction. Part of her couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that she was going to spend one on one personal time with the detective. She watched as Olivia weaved her way through the maze of seated coffee-drinkers, sliding her athletic frame between chairs and tight spaces. She noticed how the detective's shirt began to ride up revealing a small strip of smooth olive skin and tried not to stare.

The detective reached the table and ran a hand through her hair, "Hey, so have you ordered anything yet?" she asked Alex as she gestured behind her with her thumb.

Alex's face fell as she strained to see around Olivia, at the sea of chairs she had just waded through. "No I haven't," she glanced behind Olivia again while her face began to turn red. She was embarrassed to ask the brunette to go back through that mess.

"Alright, good. My treat then," Olivia grinned down at the lawyer, "So what sounds good to you?"

"Olivia, you don't need to go back through all that. I can go order," Alex looked for her purse and began to get up until a firm hand on her shoulder halted all movement.

"Alex, please. It's no big deal. Just let me," Olivia continued grinning and she pinned down the lawyer with her gaze. "So what do you want?" The blonde felt petrified by the closeness of the brown-eyed stare, struggling to come up with a response.

"Uh…just regular coffee," Olivia nodded and turned to head toward the front counter. Alex felt a little ashamed for allowing the detective to brave the caffeine-fueled masses on her behalf, but a larger part of her was flattered. She watched the brunette's retreating backside until she disappeared among the nameless faces then packed her things to make space for the drinks.

The walls had padded benches running along their length, with chairs on the opposite side of the small tables that sat in front on the comfortably worn benches. The table that Alex had selected was missing a chair, no doubt pulled aside by a large group. Inwardly Olivia groaned about having to contemplate her seating options. It would have been so much simpler if there were a chair. As she approached the prosecutor she decided to squeeze in next to her on the bench where it met the other in the corner. The place was crowded, Alex would understand.

Olivia set the drinks down on the table as she fluidly slid into her seat, touching knees with the blonde, praying she wouldn't shift away.

Alex was pleasantly surprised by the sudden closeness of the detective, maintaining the small amount of contact they had.

"Thank you, Olivia," Alex smiled as she took a sip of her coffee. She noticed the string from a tea bag hanging from the detective's cup and raised an eyebrow.

"_Tea?"_

Olivia grabbed the string and steeped the bag, "Well, yes, but after I get done adding milk and sugar I'm not exactly sure how much tea is left," she chuckled and caught the skeptical look on Alex's face, "Hey, don't judge me. Just because I have to drink that sludge in the squad room doesn't mean I don't have any taste buds."

Alex rolled her eyes, "Right, since you can taste the tea with all the junk you throw in there." She enjoyed this banter with the detective in a comfortable setting, away from work, away from the horrors they faced daily. She imagined it was how most normal people felt.

...

They talked contentedly as they sat tucked into the corner of the coffee shop. Neither woman found the close proximity unsettling; instead they relaxed into each other and were sitting shoulder to shoulder, turned in slightly to create their own private world. Despite being surrounded by dozens of people, it felt like the two of them had the place to themselves.

There was a lull in the conversation and Olivia shifted to get a better look at Alex's face. She searched out Alex's eyes, inspecting their blue depths as the blonde remained still under the scrutiny. Alex felt nervous under the intense brown gaze, but didn't want it to end. She wanted to see where this was going. Olivia broke the eye contact as she placed her cup on the table.

Alex couldn't help herself, "What was that about?" she asked as Olivia settled back down into the bench.

"Well, to be honest Alex, I can't get that look you had out of my head," the detective sighed when Alex responded with a blank stare, "The day I came to your office and you were blowing dust around?"

Olivia looked at Alex expectantly as realization dawned on the blonde's face. Now that this had been brought up she knew there was no way the detective would let it go. Her mind began racing to come up with lies in a feeble attempt to protect her innermost self, a completely reactionary desire she couldn't understand and didn't want.

"You remember then?" Olivia ran her hand through her hair as she continued, "I'd never seen you like that before, Alex. I…I have to be honest, it kind of scared me. I apologize if this is too personal, but, what was going on in your head that day?"

The sincere tone in Olivia's words caused Alex's mind to stop spinning lies and she shifted into analysis mode. She had hesitated to open up to Olivia because she didn't want to assume that the detective cared. Meeting her for coffee and following up on Alex's bad day seemed to support the theory that maybe the brunette _did_ care. She debated internally if she wanted to share her thoughts with Olivia at the risk of sounding absolutely insane. She weighed the pros and cons and decided to go for it; after all, the detective did open the door on this line of questioning.

"Well, like I said then," the blonde cleared her throat as she spoke, "I can't quite figure out what's going on. It's just, every once in a while everything becomes so mundane, I can't stand it."

"You lose interest?" Olivia asked as she leaned forward, trying to capture the blue-eyed gaze. Alex knew where this was going and didn't know if she could deal with it, didn't know if Olivia wanted to.

She reached down and took the brunette's hand in hers and held it tightly as their hands rested on her thigh. Looking up, she met the detective's curious warm eyes realizing that Olivia had shifted closer and was now in her personal space. The blonde's heart began to beat faster.

"I suppose, it's just that everything seems so dull. And I don't know why. My job is stressful and demanding, I could understand being fatigued or something like that, but not this general lackluster feeling."

Olivia nodded to encourage Alex, holding the icy depths in her gaze as the blonde continued, "As far as I know, I've had a good life. I have wracked my brain and I simply _cannot_ think of _anything_ that would cause me to slip into these…funks, for lack of a better word. It frustrates me to no end, and I hate myself for it."

Alex took a deep breath and sighed. She was irritated with herself for being so unusually inarticulate and was starting to worry that she had said too much. How could someone else understand something about her that she couldn't begin to comprehend?

She shook her head as she muttered, "There's no reason for it. It's inexcusable. I'm sorry that you had to see that the other day."

"_Alex_," Olivia whispered as she tucked some stray hairs behind the blonde's ear, "don't apologize, there's no reason to hate yourself."

Alexandra Cabot could think of many reasons to hate herself as she looked in the detective's comforting brown eyes, wishing to drown in them instead of wrestling with the conflicting thoughts in her mind.

Olivia felt something tug at her heart as she saw the sadness pouring out from behind blue eyes, something she never expected to see from the obnoxiously confident attorney. She was awed by the amount of trust and vulnerability Alex displayed to her and felt overwhelmed.

"Don't, just don't hate yourself Alex. Please?" Olivia implored as she brushed her fingers across a pale cheek before she rested her hand on a lean shoulder.

They both felt the vibration from Olivia's phone before the ring tone began. She quickly retrieved it and opened it as she saw the caller ID. After a brief conversation using only single syllable words, she shut the phone and looked at Alex with a twinge of guilt.

"That was Cragen. Elliot got a lead out of that kid he was questioning earlier. It's solid and the captain wants me to meet El to follow up."

Alex lifted a hand as if to wave away any doubts, "Of course, we all have our jobs to do," she half-smiled.

Olivia gathered up her jacket and stood near the table looking at the lawyer, reluctant to leave. She cleared her throat nervously, "Alex, I mean it. Don't hate yourself," She paused for a moment, and it seemed to Alex that she wanted to say something, but couldn't quite find the right words, settling on "I'll call you later."

"I'll hold you to that, detective. Someone needs to hold you accountable," Alex responded light-heartedly with a smile skirting the edges of her mouth.

Olivia flashed a lop-sided grin as she turned to leave the still busy coffee shop, hesitant to leave the lawyer.

Alex watched her leave and then gathered her things, realizing that the last few hours had been some of the happiest she could recall in recent memory.


End file.
